June 13, 2011 ~ Day 16
Chapter 3 along with some posts here and by email from friends have really got me thinking alot today. I have spent today mostly confused, angry and sad….very very sad. I have read Chapter 3 twice through and have written in my journal about anything that stopped me, spoke to me or reflected what I feel on a normal day – so basically almost all of chapter 3 is underlined!!!
Here is some of my notes and reflections ~ I will warn you some of it is quite lengthy.
Page 35 – Wendy questions if she should even marry asking “what kind of wife would I be” ** I looked to marriage as saving me and to instantly making my life just as I always dreamed — PERFECT!!! Just like all the movies and tv shows I watched. I didn’t fully understand what marriage meant. I just needed to be loved, cherished and safe!!!
Page 35: Wendy talks about being in constant fear. ** Here is something that I had never realized until reading that. She knew why she was afraid but for me I never knew why I was afraid of the dark or being alone…well not really, I just thought it was from the violence in my parents marriage and the things I witnessed as a child. I just always knew that bad things happened in the dark and at night. Which ties in with what Stephanie said above about confronting the trauma, the memories and that little girl…..I have NO recollection of the abuse except the intense fear, the smells and the fact that I can not to this day go into a closet with the lights off and the door shut. I have had bits and pieces come to me in my nightmares but I never remember it when I wake up. How can I confront the trauma and that little girl if I have blocked most of my childhood? And do I really want to remember?
Page 36: “I had trouble feeling any kind of love. In the deepest parts of my heart, I wondered if I knew how to love anymore” ** Oh how that sentence sums up so much of my life…well sums up probably the last 8 years. For the last 8 years I felt almost no emotion except deep deep unahppiness and anger. Until today I always assumed it was agner for my abuse and childhood but I know now it’s so much more (which I will get into at a later date). I haven’t always been unhappy — I used to be able to feel all sorts of emotions even though I found them in the wrong things – mainly shopping addiciton – but I can remember feeling happy at times in my early marriage. My husband and I hardly ever argued (only about two issues). I was able to find joy and happines in my husband and kids. I wasn’t constantly sad and depressed. I didn’t feel stuck in this place I am now. What happened? My mom died suddenly, I had a major falling out with the rest of my family and haven’t spoken to them in 8 years, my kids got older, my son’s health took a turn for the worst, I got lazy, I felt like I lost a part of myself.
Page 37: “Living life was such an effort. I desperately wanted to stop being tired, to stop feeling sick and to live free from controlling fear” ** yep, 8 years I have lived this way, most mornings I am dead tired as soon as I wake up and even then at night I can’t fall sleep – it takes hours for me to fall asleep. I just want to be normal!!! I hate that everyday is so draining to get through. And instead of enjoying my role as a wife and mother I feel pulled in a million directions.
Page 37: “But those feelings never stayed long. I felt better in the moment, but soon my anxious thoughts and fears returned.” ** For me it’s not the anxious fear, it’s the anger, the feelings of “leave me ALONE, why does everyone need something from me – what about what I need!!!” I read my Bible or listen to Christian music and I feel better until my family says they need something from me, or there is arguing or my son mouths off. Is it too much to ask for peace in my home?
Page 38: “God created my soul and place it deep within my heart. He intended it to be a place that only He could satisy” ** At some point in my counseling and our marriage counseling I did realize that I expected too much from my husband. He could not satisfy my every want and need; it was unfair to expect him to and to read my mind. My marriage wasn’t and would never be like in the movies, those are scripted!!! Instead I looked for the ways he was saying “I love you” in the things he did for me, the little things like putting gas in my car, driving me to work in the snow, cooking dinner on Sundays, etc. But I never got the other part of this “a place HE could satisy” that is why when I am reading my Bible, attending Mass or Adoration I feel hopeful and joyful in the moment because I am satisfying my soul. So then why is it most of the time I find other things to do instead, why do I choose other activities before turning to my Bible.
last one for tonight ~
Page 39: “I had not order, no direction, and no clarity. Sometimes I could barely make it through a day. What saddened me most was that I had no idead how to stop the cycle” ** This has been me for the past 8 years since my mom died and I went from grieving her, feeling guility about how things ended with us and then remembering things that scared me. To having my childhoold recurring nightmare that I hadn’t had since I was a kid. I feel stuck in a rut day in and day out. I feel like a failure most days when I can’t even get the energy to take care of my family and I am exhausted, wanting to be left alone. I have felt that worse since the kids hit 21 and 18 which is strange to me.