I never really posted about the Bible Study day 18 (which was on June 15, 2011), so I am going to do that now. Our assignment on this day was to read and pray the prayer for Chapter 3. I am working on my post on the story I talked about on my “Day 18” answers. It will be a separate post b/c it is pretty long and the work God did on us is so amazing, it deserves it’s own post.
Chapter 3 Prayer
Heavenly Father, we come before You today as the Author of Life. We want to thank You that in You is all Truth. Thank You that Your Word is living and active, it is eternal, and it is unchanging. Father, take Your Word as I read and study it, and plant it in my heart. Help it to take root and to grow deep roots. Allow Your Word to penetrate all those places in my heart that I have been protecting, those places I don’t want to let anyone in, even You. Father, make my heart tender to Your sweet words of life. Till the soil of my heart so it is ready to receive all You have to teach me. We ask all these things in Your Son’s holy name. Amen.
Journal Entry after the prayer
As I was reading/praying the prayer for Chapter 3, it hit me how wonderful ans awesome God really is ~ I have been on this walk with the LORD beginning a couple of months before my mom died ~ my mom died January 26, 2003. At the time I knew something big was getting ready to happen and I wish I could say I knew my moms time was short but for once and the only time I didn’t dream about a family member’s death in the weeks before ~ well I did dream a family member would die but it was not my mom I dreamt about. Anyhow I knew the LORD was guiding me on a journey.
Fast forward to last summer. I came across Hidden Joy and thought “hmmm wonder if I should read this, maybe I could benefit from it” I even emailed Wendy sharing my story with her and remarking “I wish I could heal from my abuse” She sent a very nice reply and I never thought of it again. Well as I said before in October I felt my journey was on fast forward, things were happening so fast and I could tell I was growing more in the LORD and in my faith.
But one thing kept coming up ~ my intimate relationship with my husband, or I should say lack of relationship. I tried very hard but there was a disconnect there. I felt like a failure, yada yada (all the negative emotions that I will not even write down b/c I don’t want to remember).
Now fast forward to April 2011 I went to a Girls Night Out event featuring Mandisa and Anita Renfroe. There again my relationship with my husband came up. Anita was talking about the book she and her husband wrote together ~ Songs of Solomon Devotions for married couples. Right away I thought I am going to buy that book. Then I talked myself out of it. But then I ended up buying the book. I had Anita sign it and I shared about a 30 second history with her. I said “my story is not old, I am an abuse survivor (yes I said survivor and I was like what??? no I am a victim) and I feel bad for my husband” she said “he will love it” and I said “I know he will he deserves it after 20 years” she looked me in the eye and said “what is your name…Veronica you deserve it after 20 years, let go” I was in tears!!!
As I look back I can see God has been preparing me for this healing for awhile now. He needed to do so in small ways to get my mind and heart ready to accept healing. Yes – I said to ACCEPT healing!!!
Don’t I want to be healed? Why would I need to accept healing?
Sometimes it’s harder to be healed because it takes work, you have to do something other than sit in the pit; you have to go outside your comfort zone, you have to face things about yourself and face reality. When all you have known is sadness, heartache and lies it’s hard to hope, it’s hard to trust, it’s hard to be patient and to the real work that needs to be done. So do I want to be healed? Yes I do ~ I am ready to do the hard work and to face my fears, to meet my issues head on. One of my biggest problems is I want it now!!! I don’t want to be patient but I realize 30 years can’t be repaired overnight. And that even though it’s me healing, my world and the relationships around me will change because I am not going to be the same person. I hope that means the relationships that are important: my husband, my children, my friends and other family members will grow into a deeper relationship filled with love and trust. But I am also aware that those that are not good for me may go by the wayside because face it, not all the people in my life want me to be healed. Why? because some will be jealous, some will realize I won’t allow anyone to walk all over me and some because they weren’t true friendships/relationships to begin with. There will be a point when I am aware of who is who. Those who go away – I am okay with it because I know how much more I will be receiving when I am fully healed through Christ. Because God is enough for me!!! I thank God for this journey He started me on long ago without my even realizing it ~ had I known what was coming I don’t think I would have had the courage to take that first step. His ways are not our ways and for that I am extremely thankful 🙂