Day 20 actually happened on June 17, 2001, I am just late posting. Today we were to read over Chapter 4 again and write in our journal. I must say that I probably underlined over half the chapter, that’s how much it spoke to me. On different levels too. It has so far been the best chapter yet…..got me to thinking and got me asking myself some questions as well. Let’s get started with my notes on Chapter 4:
Pg 50 ~ Wendy writes “his words crushed my dreams for prosecution and retribution” I felt that way too – not so much with my abuse but in other areas. I am so focused on the punishment and retribution for the one who hurt me that I can’t see God. I am looking for that to heal me and not God’s healing. God is telling me “those things are not able to heal ~ only I AM able to give you healing, look to ME not to retribution, let ME do the judging while you focus on the here and now allowing ME to heal your pain”
Pg 50 ~ Wendy says she stopped reading her Bible and rarely prayed. This has been an ongoing cycle for me for the past 8 years. I get to a point where I don’t want to go read my Bible or pray. I have never understood this but maybe it’s not so unnatural, maybe it’s something we have to go through so that we realize how important His Word is in our lives!
Pg 51 ~ God was in control; I was afraid to trust HIM fully. There it is my two biggest issues ~ control and trust!!! I want to have control over my life because for so long I never had any control, so now I try to control everything and it’s making me miserable. I need, I want to Trust God fully and give up the control to HIM!!!
Pg 52 ~ Wendy writes “I thought I had faith. I believed in God. I believed in His Son Jesus Christ. I believed Jesus died on the Cross for me….But I would not have described my faith as strong.” This is something I can relate to. I believe all those things. But do I have a strong faith? I do not believe so ~ I tend to whine first then pray. It’s like I have the book knowledge of it all. I know allt he answers ~ I just don’t feel that my faith comes from my heart and soul. I want it to but because of the emptiness I feel that half the time I am going through the steps but not living it. I want and crave to have a deep and abiding faith that trust God unequivocally.
Pg 52 ~ Wendy “If I were honest, I would admit that my level of trust depended on my circumstances” Same here, my moods, words, attitude and thoughts can all change if one of my family is mouthy, irritable, in a bad mood, argumentative, etc. I let my circumstances at the time decide my mood and trust level.
According to Romans 10:17 ~ Faith comes from hearing the message and the message is heard through the Word of Christ. Faith comes NOT from circumstances, feelings or emotions but from hearing God’s Word. Faith has nothing to do with circumstances.
Martin Luther wrote: We must not judge by what we feel or by what we see before us. The Word must be followed and we must firmly hold that these truths are to be believed, not experienced. For the Word must be believed even when we feel and expierence what differs entirely from the Word.
This journaling of Chapter 4 is very long. So what I am going to do is break it up because literally I think it’s 20 pages so far I have journaled before I answered the questions for the Chapter.