June 26, 2011 ~ Day 29
Day 24 was actually last Tuesday, June 21, 2011. Finishing up the journaling of Chapter 4 and then I will begin the questions and answers for Chapter 4.
Pg 59 ~ Wendy writes “You and I have a choice and choosing to accept our circumstances as they are, letting go of blame and seeking God’s purpose are always the roads we should take.” Which choice am I going to pick? If I pick any other choice but God’s purpose for my life than I am basically saying I don’t trust God and that God does not have the power to heal me!!!
Pg 60 ~ Wendy writes “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown” Isaiah 43:2 The key word in the verse was “when” not “if.” Karla asked herself: if tradegy came how would she react? Would she still be thankful? Would she praise God int he midst? She sensed a need to prepare, so she began to prepare…..for what she did not know. The stories of Karla and her baby girl really moved me. Instead of being angry and bitter about my son’s circumstances (autism and health issues) I need to seek out the blessings (which there are many) and I need to prepare myself each day so that God can sustain me ~ I need to do my part first though. To prepare I need to be honest, I need to meet Him everyday, I need to talk to Him, I need to trust and I need to surrender ~ I need to ask God “what now?” My heart has not been prepared for the LORD to reside there.
Pg 61 ~ Wendy writes “God has planted eternity in our hearts, a place that longs for God, and a place that only He can fill. To free up that place for Him, He will allow experiences in our lives that seem unfair, difficult and sometimes tragic” It is really amazing how God works. My first silent retreat 4 years ago was on the topic of the God filled heart. That we have a hold in our hearts that can only be filled by God ~ our God Filled Heart!! And now everything is coming back to that. We will never be happy or at peace until we fill our hole (our missing piece) with God. To do that we need to let go of anything that is preventing us from filling it with God: people, money, stuff, addictions, anger, etc. And we never great rid of things until we no longer feel they are serving our purpose = circumstances that show you the need to give up all the things that are taking God’s place in His space.
Pg 61 ~ “Often our pain and heartache prohibit God from filling that place with His Treasure. We harbor so much negative emotion that we cannot get beyond it.” Wendy writes “Fear filled my heart. In fact it seemed as if fear filled my entire being. There was no room for God because I had allowed my fear to paralyze me.” I don’t think I have that much fear dwelling in me (not like I used to have, I have been forced to let go some of the fear) although I fear being made fun of, not being good enough, fear of being a failure. I have described an emptiness in me that is almost over consuming but the more I dwell in this study I am thinking it’s not so much an emptiness as a place consumed with bitter anger that is killing me from the inside and slowly causing my hopes, dreams and joy to die.
Pg 62 ~ “In the dark, we have two choices. WE can take matters into our own hands, turning to addicting behaviors to numb our pain, seeking out doctors, friends, self-help books never really knowing if any of them is the way to healing and wholeness. Alternately, we can look to God ~ there we are guaranteed healing and wholeness!!!” How many years, how many times was I sure I was finally breaking free only to hit a road block I found no way around. Why did I put more faith in the human “fix it” than in God?
Day 22 is now finished ~ although it took me days and it put me behind, I felt very strongly this was not something I wanted to rush through just to stay on schedule. It was an important chapter and I learned important things about me and about my relationship with God.