June 26, 2011 ~ Day 29
Day 25 (June 22, 2011) was to answer questions 1 through 3 for Chapter 4. This week the blog and emails have really helped me in my growing to trust God and to learn about myself. It’s been a journey that I am so glad I have taken.
On Tuesday night (June 21, 2011) Melissa posted a vlog late in the evening. On Wednesday I watched this vlog and I have to tell you about a remarkable breakthrough in my healing that happened on this morning after watching “Don’t Quit”. I am unable to write it word for word but let me just say the message was very powerful and insipiring. If you are interested in watching the vlog, click here: “Don’t Quit” vlog by Melissa Taylor
What I took away from the vlog
Draw from God ~ He is your empowerment. You can’t get it from your mom, sister, friend, drugs or whatever ~ these are only temporary fixes that in the end will leave you still feeling discontent. Wendy was empowered by God, not on her own, but through God.
We all have bad days, everyone does, on those bad days pray to God ask Him for even the slightest bit of good ~ a string to hold on to ~ then hold on with all your might because that string is God’s hand.
Melissa described her “Bummer Summer” in 2005: Would not get dressed, would not get off the couch even though she had four kids and a husband to care for. Just wasn’t feeling it. She was in ministry at this time but at the time satan was allowed a foothold to her mind and he convinced Melissa to give up because nothing would change.
Melissa continued saying “yes God was trying to change things but I had to meet Him halfway. She had a choice. God will not make you get dressed. He will not make you get off that couch. He will not make you read your Bible. You have to do your part of the work!!!” (my note: I journaled about this the day before this vlog was posted)
Melissa tells a story of a friend you took Melissa in the middle of July to a gold mine to find “treasures in the darkness” to snap her out of “Bummer Summer” “I was mad, it was hot, I was tired and I couldn’t find any gold. I threw my pan down and said ‘I am done.’ Her friend’s 4 year old son begins jumping up and down so excited to find some that was no bigger than a pin head. I looked at him and said ‘why are you so excited, look at that tiny piece, you can barely see it, why get excited?’ My friend turned to me and said ‘look at yourself Melissa, can you not find anything to celebrate? Not even the smallest thing? Sometimes you have to dig in the dirt ~ so dig in the dirt. If you quit you will never find the gold or the treasure meant for you!!” Melissa said that day changed her life.
That was by far the best post of the Bible study to date. One that reached out and touched my almost physically. I so needed to hear that. I even posted on the blog that sometimes we need to hear “quit your dang crying and get up” from someone who is not our family member.
So as I was getting ready for work I had a heart to heart talk with God on this matter. It started with me accepting the fact that for years I was praying for God to maek me into this godly women and then waiting for it to magically happen while I sat in the pit crying out for help. I had this image come to me that showed me how God sent people to help me crawl out of the pit but they did not fit with my “perfect rescue” I envisioned, so instead of doing what I needed to do I woudl put on this face and tell them “no I am good, I got this, I am okay” and send them away. Or I would force them away with anger and the walls I built up around my pit! After talking a bit more to God on this I felt something else on my heart.
I then realized God has been carrying me this whole time ~ if He is carrying me in His arms He can’t do any other work for me since I am being carried. Think of a mother carrying her sick baby all day ~ is she going to get much else done except caring, comforting and loving her child?
I then asked God “how did I get here though, I wasn’t alwasy like this? I used to be able to function” And then my children as small children flashed and I understood. I was busy caring for my kids and doing all that was required which kept me super busy all the time ~ I knew nothing else. It wasn’t until my died and the sadness I had with her death along with having time on my hands as my children grew up and needed me less. Then it just became easier to stay in the sadness and say I was still mourning for my mom ~ even fooling myself. But really what happened is I became lazy, I invited the devil into my life by sitting down in pity. Maybe all along the blessing in my son’s autism is I never had a spare moment to feel sorry for myself. So I need to dig in the dirt to find the treasures in my children instead of focusing on the dirt!!!
From there an email I received came to my mind, from one of my new friends who said I helped her greatly to see things in a way she wasn’t able to before and that she was very thankful. As I thought on that email I realized that I have always wanted to be called as a servant for God and of course I had these grand ideas of what that meant (but would listen to the devil saying “why would God call you to be His servant? There are better people then you”) Little did I realize even when I didn’t feel I was being in a servant role God had been calling me all along, just not in the ways I assumed it would be. It was by helping one person see the light and have hope again ~ that’s pretty big stuff right there, and I am so honored to be able to deliver God’s message to her!!!
I asked God to show me what other areas I need to rethink and examine. He brought to my mind my expectations I place on myself regarding housecleaning. My house needs to be cleaned thoroughly and organized, I am trying to get it done all at once and it’s stressing me out. He showed me I don’t have to get it done all at once (it took years to get it to this point) and I don’t need to spend the whole part of my time just doing that to the point I am exhausted and have no energy left to connect with my family. It also doesn’t have to be perfect ~ just clean and functional, not elaborately decorated like out of a magazine (this IS a real home). I need to ask God to show me how to balance my time. I need to look to God for my happiness and joy not my home decor or how well organized the house is every second. Although some organization will keep me enjoying life better by reducing stress.
And that’s the wonderful story of how God used a vlog, a book and a Wednesday morning to break through my walls to let healing begin. I am so happy I could laugh, cry, dance, shout for joy and I want to fly a kite ~ never have I did that before 🙂