June 27, 2011 ~ Day 30
Assignment ~ share what this Chapter speaks to you in your life.
This chapter is filled with so many things for me that it’s hard to put into words. I have underlined almost the whole chapter. I can feel Wendy’s search for meaning in her life. For that magic thing that is going to take away all those years of pain and automatically take her back to the person she was the day before her life changed forever.
It’s hard for me to know that I will never know who that little girl I was would have become. If you have lived your entire life not knowing who you are, how to you start becoming a new person.
After reading Chapter 5 I know what I want from my life. I want to live with God’s peace and contentment, no matter my circumstances. I want what St. Paul had:
“I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ who give me strength.” Philippians 4:11-13 NLT
Pg. 68 ~ Wendy asks “Could God transform my life in such an astounding way? Could I ever be content and at peace in the midst of the fear, anger and despair that plagued my life?” I ask that often after reading some of the amazing miracles in the Bible and here I am 30 years later waiting for my miracle.
Pg. 71 ~ Wendy writes “I had to be in control at all times. This caused me to be in a constant state of anxiety” I used to have horrible control issues. Not as bad now but I think that’s because I quit living. I had to control everything, which made me angry, frustrated, worn out and no fun to be around. I would ask for help around the house then redo it and get angry when it wasn’t to my standards.
After reading page 77 I just felt so much emotion bubbling to the surface (meaning I had one tear)I admitted to the LORD “yes I want so much to be healed but LORD I am so afraid” That’s the first time I admitted that I am afraid. I am afraid of so many things but I can’t even name them. But nothing could be worse than this emptiness, loneliness and self loathing. I am afraid of showing who I really am; but I don’t know who that is. I am afraid to let go of the control. I don’t even know how to let go. I am afraid of seeing rejection or disapproval in my husband’s eyes. I am afraid if I let go of the anger I won’t ever stop crying. I am afraid of finding out who I am – how do you do that at 39 years old? I have been so angry for so long I don’t even know how to be sad. Do I want to be healed~ YES!!! Even with all the fear I have yes, I want to be healed.
Dear Lord, I know You are standing there in the water reaching our Your hand to me telling me “I love you Veronica. I won’t let go of you” all I need to do is take Your hand and move, yet I hesitate LORD You know my heart even if I am left confused. There is something preventing me from taking Your hand and believing that all the promises and Truths are for me. I want to be healed. I have prayed everyday for as long as I can remember for You to change me, change me into the woman You created me to be. Search me O LORD, show me what is stopping me from taking Your hand. Show me the stumbling block. Open my eyes, my ears, my heart and soul so that I may become victorious in You LORD.