Today’s (Monday, September 19) assignment was to read Chapter 1. I am sharing it today (Wednesday, September 21) on Melissa’s blog at http://melissataylor.org/2011/09/21/throw-away/#comments
As I read Chapter 1 I could relate to Renee’s doubts, fears and insecurities so much, it was like reading portions of my journal through the years. It made me realize that the whole time I have felt those things I wasn’t the only one. Although I sure felt alone – these are things no one ever confides to anyone else (at least I never did, not even to my husband) we do almost anything to keep anyone from finding out – including ourselves at times. From my perspective I would never have guessed anyone else ever had such negative and doubting thoughts. Everyone seemed way better at everything, they seemed to be more put together, prettier, funnier, better at talking to people, etc.
As I was growing up it seemed everyone around me was trying new and exciting things and I just wanted to feel comfortable in my own body. I never felt like I fit in anywhere – home, school, groups of friends or even with just one close friend. I doubted all my relationships.
I wanted the perfect family, I wanted the story book “Happily Ever After.” I wanted to feel loved so desperately. I wanted to feel safe and secure. I wanted to matter to someone. I wanted to be a Daddy’s Little Girl. I feel so lost and empty and I often wondered “what is wrong with me? Why am I never enough?”
In my mind if my own dad didn’t like me or love me, why would anyone else? Who could love or like me? So I became needy as a small child, unhappy and uncomfortable as a teenager and a very insecure young wife – who expected her wedding day to automatically and instantly fix everything and make me happy. Didn’t happen….yes, I was happy but not that deep down secure self-confident happy.
Fast forward about 8 years ago January 26, 2003 – that’s the day my journey to find true happiness started. It was the day my world was shattered by the unexpected death of my mom. She was 49 years old. In the time from that day and today I have come to realize that my dad did and does love me, not in the way I wanted or needed, but he does love me and he had his own self doubts. My mom well I think I learned how to be insecure from her as she had her own demons and negative thoughts to conquer – she never did, she never became happy in her life. She had two married daughters and 5 grandchildren, she had a husband that adored her, she had countless family and friends that loved her but she never was happy, she never liked herself and never believed in herself. I was determined that my story didn’t end as her story did. My parents did the very best that they could with raising me, I don’t fault them, I just was a child who needed more than they could give. I have learned with raising my children that even with the best intentions mistakes, sometimes horrible mistakes, are made but we don’t get do-overs.
So where does my journey end…..I don’t think it will end while on this earth but while here I hope to learn through this book and growing closer to Jesus that I am valuable, I am a treasure and that my happiness and security come not from my parents, my husband, my children, my social status or how many Facebook friends I have but that it comes from resting in Jesus’ arms and living out His plans for my life…..stay tuned, it could get interesting.
So Do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised ~ Hebrews 10:35-36