Melissa posted on her blog today and there is a vlog 🙂 click here to visit today’s post
Several parts of Chapter 1 stood out to me – okay pretty much the whole chapter, but it also got me excited too! Excited not only to become confident and remove the doubting messages from my head but excited to know Jesus even better,more deeply.
I have been a Christian all my life – actually I am a “Cradle Catholic” but I have never known Jesus more personally and intimately before this year. Even in my favorite Scripture verses – I see Him differently now. Is it because I am different, well maybe a little. Take a look back at a year ago:
I was lonely, depressed, sick of my job, sick of my responsibilities, comparing myself to all the “great and wonderful” mothers, wondering why I was always overlooked, why couldn’t I find any friends, true friends – those friends who would support me, encourage me, pick me up when I fell, let me vent knowing I didn’t really mean any of what I said, friends that would accept me just as I was, who would inspire me to be a better wife, mother and Christian? Why was my life so filled with sadness and despair? When did all my hopes and dreams die – and why didn’t I notice? Most of my FB friends would put how they couldn’t wait to go home and spend time with their family and how their family was their everything – I would think what is wrong with me? Most days I dread going home and trying to take care of my family – when did I lose my joy in the two roles I have wanted all my life: wife and mother? Why was I so tired each and everyday – getting out of bed seemed to take too much energy. I wasn’t living – I was barely surviving. I felt pulled in a million directions with everyone needing/wanting something from me but I had nothing to give. I was empty inside, completely and utterly empty.
That was me, one year ago! This is the first time I ever admitted how bad it actually was, even to myself. What changed in just a year? Well I finally realized and admitted to myself that I was living a lie and had been for most of my life…..
See ever since I was a little girl I figured if I was perfect and succeeded at things I could be happy and loved. So I became an overachiever. I got straight A’s (even though my schoolwork took every spare minute of my time), took honor classes, etc. but I never pushed myself to try stuff I knew I could fail at, because I had to be perfect. I tried to impress my friends and family with being a scholar. For me perfection equalled love and acceptance. Well that didn’t work as well as I had hoped, I still felt lost and lonely.
So when I was 15 years old I decided I knew exactly what I could to do to not only feel loved but be loved! Yep, you guessed it – I got pregnant! So here I am 16 and pregnant, still getting straight A’s and now getting attention – just not the kind I hoped – my mom was not only furious but she told me she was very disappointed in me. Of course at that point that couldn’t hurt me anymore – I was going to have a baby and I would feel happy and loved now! Well I am sure everyone can guess THAT didn’t work as well as I had hoped.
I had my son 6 hours after my high school graduation. By the end of my first week of motherhood I was a wreck – I don’t know who cried more my son or me! I do know that he never, ever slept through the night, therefore neither did I – it’s been 22 years and seriously he has NEVER slept more than 1 1/2 to 2 hours at a time!
Fast forward a couple of years, I am 18 engaged and wanting my fairy tale wedding because THEN I will be happy and feel loved and accepted! Check back tomorrow to see how THAT worked out…….