If you are just joining me, the story starts with the title “A Confident Heart – recap week 1”
We have now been married 10 years and have been through so very much, it’s heart wrenching and inspiring all at the same time. By this time we have bought more rental property and our almost full time landlords, I have had 14 more surgeries, our son has been to almost every doctor that I can think of – including in-patient hospitalization. And finally some good news, now I will be happy……
Our son who is now 12, I take him to a new doctor that has been recommended and FINALLY!!! Someone sees what I have seen since he was 8 months old. he is diagnosed with Autism. So now I had something to focus on, to fix, to make better and I would be the perfect advocate for him. Our daughter is 9 years old and is still my miracle but at this point I realize how much self-confidence she has, how close she is with Jesus and what an awesome faith she has. I realize that she is the one thing I never screwed up – God had her protected from all my craziness. I give all credit for her and her healthy self assurance to God.
I wish I could say that from that point on, things all of the sudden fell into place and life turned blissful and happy. It didn’t, there were a lot of wrong turns, a lot of yelling, a lot of tears, a lot of growing and a lot of discovery. I am sure through the rest of the study I will discuss in more detail each “phase” of that time but right now, it’s just too much and I don’t want to get off track from the study. So we are going to take a huge detour and go from 2001 to last year 2010.
Our baby girl goes to college, I am still a full-time mom to our 21-year-old son but through the years God has been breaking down the walls and last year they all came tumbling down. I finally broke. Which takes us full circle to the very beginning and what why was I different this year, then last year.
I had lived my entire life and 19 years of marriage trying for a perfect life so that I could be happy. I bounced between perfection and totally failure. There is no happy medium with me – either my house is perfectly cleaned, you could eat off the floors or it’s an absolute disaster. Last year I was physically, emotionally and spiritually drained. The endless conversations in my head of how I wasn’t good enough, I had to do more, had to appear that I was happy, etc. was mentally exhausting. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t keep hiding the truth from myself. So I admitted some hard things to myself and I finally allowed my true self to talk to God.
I went on a silent retreat last October and I spent 3 days in the quiet – outdoors and indoors – seeking Jesus and I found Him. I quit the perfect girl and poured my heart out to Him. And that began my journey of change and self discovery – in ways so astounding, amazing and God-directed that I know God was behind the events and planned them a long time ago.
- So am I different? Without a doubt ~ yes!
- Has it been perfect? Without a doubt ~ yes, but only because it’s God’s perfection, it’s His plans, not mine.
- Has it been hard? Without a doubt ~ yes, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I am finding myself in Jesus but I have a long way to go. I still have hard days, sad days, days when the perfectionist wants to come out and play, days when I get my feelings hurt, days when I feel unloved, unappreciated, left out and overlooked. But now I turn to Jesus ~ I don’t expect my children, my husband, my friends, my job, etc. to fill the void inside me. I am no longer a shopping addict, I don’t play endless games on FB, I don’t read a book a day, etc. to escape my life. I still have bad habits that need worked on ~ instead of a perfectionist I have become a procrastinator – but event that I give to the LORD.
I think back over my life since I was that 15 years old girl looking for happiness, validation, love, acceptance, self-confidence and assurance in a baby and I can’t believe the way God has blessed me and protected me. And as I celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary in just a couple of weeks I can’t thank God enough for the 3 best gifts He has ever-blessed me with:
- My husband who has stood beside me, never giving up on me ~ even when he had plenty of reason and I had given up on myself.
- My son who has taught me the meaning of patience and perseverance
- My daughter who showed me first what it meant to have a relationship with Jesus.
There is so much more to my life story as so much more yet to be written. And when I sit here next year reviewing my life, I hope and pray that I have more confidence in myself and that I can say the year has been mostly without self-doubts. I hope I didn’t bore too many people but this is the message the LORD placed on my heart. I am sure each life event will be discussed more fully as the study unfolds. Thanks for joining me on my journey. And may God bless you and keep you, today and always!