So here I am engaged, wanting my fairy tale wedding because I know then I will be happy, confident and loved. So to go along with my perfectionist tendencies, I must have the perfect wedding, the perfect dress, etc…..
Enter reality ~ we are young, have a toddler, I work as a waitress and my finance is in the Marine Corp. We are lucky that a lot of family and friends pitched in and did some wonderful things for us both as favors and as wedding gifts. The church part was my absolute biggest thing – had to have a beautiful church wedding. And we did – it was absolutely beautiful. We got married at 10:00 am in the morning b/c I knew I couldn’t go all day being a nervous wreck. As I walked down the aisle I was terrified, I couldn’t even look at anyone – not even the love of my life! I didn’t even look at him until halfway through our wedding Mass! I couldn’t, I was afraid, of what I dont’ know I just knew my wedding day had to be perfect and if I looked at him and saw anything that threatened that I would not be able to handle it. Looking back I am so sad that I didn’t enjoy my day more – I was too focused on what everyone was thinking of our wedding, my dress, etc. I recently attended a wedding where the bride and groom never took their eyes off one another and forgot anyone else was in the room, they talked all through the wedding and you could tell how much each other not only look each other but themselves, they knew their worth together and individually – I wanted THAT, I wanted that at my wedding and thought the wedding would provide it. I never realized until that day, attending that wedding, that it comes from inside you. A wedding doesn’t instantly make you confident, happier, more put together, or fix self-doubt. So my wedding day didn’t work as I had hoped…..
Fast forward 2 months later. Our first argument as a newly married couple, I am going to know without a doubt I am loved. I am newly married, have a toddler and oh yeah forgot to mention this I am 4 months pregnant, living in the middle of nowhere, missing my mom horribly, not as happy as I envisioned I would be, sick as can be and very lonely. So we started arguing and of course I emulate what I know about marriages and arguments (it’s not pretty I can guarantee you) and my husband is looking at me like I have two heads – I just might have at that point. Now my husband does not like to argue for the sake of arguing so he ignores my hysterics, which really makes me mad. I storm out, slamming the door – hoping my newly married husband will race after me like in the movies and books, to show me how much he loves me. Do you see I am still trying to live in a fantasy world? Guess what, he doesn’t come running after me at all!!! So I figure, I will get him to declare his love for me!!! I storm back inside and say “that’s it, I want a divorce!!!” Did I want a divorce, no I wanted validation that he loved me and would fight for me, even against myself. What did my 21 year-old-married-for-two-months-Marine-Corp husband say to me ~ he shrugged his shoulders and said “whatever will make you happy dear” Well THAT didn’t work out as well as I had planned……
To say our first year of marriage was blissful would be a huge stretch. Not only did my lack of knowing how to communicate cause huge issues. My pregnancy required nightly trips to the ER for hours on end, I then became completely bedridden and hospitalized for 90 percent of my pregnancy, my husband had to care for our son, I could not keep any food or water in me, our son’s behavior and lack of milestones is worrying me, my husband was starting paperwork to be medically discharged for an injury during Operation Desert Storm and I didn’t know how to be married. I am miserable, unhappy, looking for anyone to blame for my misery and without knowing it at the time (wouldn’t realize it for many years) I am trusting in God to save my baby…..which in itself is another story that will be shared at a different time.
As I sit here typing this, I am remembering it like it was yesterday. My wedding anniversary is quickly approaching and as much as it hurts to revisit those years, there is much healing going back and reviewing as the person I am today. Join me tomorrow for more – if you are interested – which would surprise me completely.