Fast forward 5 years – in this time my husband was medically discharged from the Marine Corp, we moved back to my hometown, our son has had a couple of surgeries, and still no one is listening that something is wrong with him, I have had 12 surgeries, my husband and I work different shifts so that we don’t need a babysitter and we only have one car which makes for interesting mornings when hubby goes to work at 2:00 a.m.
I am desperate to be happy and confident in my role as a wife and mother. It’s the two things I wanted since I was a little girl, but I am miserable. My husband trying to please me and make me happy does whatever I ask but it’s never enough. I have now perfected my perfectionism ~ really is it so hard to put army men in the army men tub, hot wheel cars in the hot wheel tub, baby dolls in the baby doll tub? I don’t think it is, why can’t my husband, 7 year old son and 5 year old daughter do this? The stress I was causing at our home was huge but I couldn’t express what was wrong with me, not even to myself. I tried everything to be happy.
My relationship with my family members start to change as I throw myself into my role as a wife and mother. However, my mom had a hard time with this, she thought she should be first in my life and it hurt her when she wasn’t. But I was so desperate to be happy I tried to please everyone and for a while it worked. I can’t remember exactly when I realized I needed to have a serious discussion with my mom about our relationship, but I knew I was tired of always doing something that would “get me in trouble” with my mom. One day my husband looked at me and said “what is she going to do ground you? You have your own family.” I couldn’t talk to her though, I could not ever disappoint anyone so I never talked to her about our relationship. Instead I knew what would help me become more of a grown up ~ feeling confident, feeling secure, being confident and being happy. I told my husband I wanted to move to his hometown, which meant living California and moving to Missouri. I was going to be happy now!!!
Here we are in Missouri, we have now been married approx. 8 years. We buy rental property, we buy a house, we get dogs, a rabbit, 4 hamsters, we do the whole domestic thing. I am becoming more controlling, more unhappy, thinking to myself “my life is not supposed to be this way – where the hell is my happily ever after.” I still can’t communicate, still looking for validation and love. I am becoming more tired. The arguments increase between my husband and me, because I have now decided I know how to be the perfect father and I make sure to tell my husband how to do so and what he is doing wrong all through the day! My relationship with my mom is not doing well and I feel very unloved as she makes it a point to tell me all she and my sister are doing and how my sister even though she is married and has kids puts my mom first. I am feeling rejected not only by my mom but by some of my husband’s family. So moving to Missouri….ya that didn’t work out so well either.
During this time I am holding onto a lot of grudges, anger, sadness and confusion. I am tired of being a people pleaser and keeping my feelings to myself. I am tired of all the masks that I wear. I want so bad to feel normal, to feel like a grown up, to have acceptance and approval, to feel love and validated. I have a lot of resentment still against my husband for that remark he made 8 years ago, do you remember which one? I can guarantee you I do! Guess what, he doesn’t. In a counseling session that remark he made 8 years ago is brought, he tells me he has no idea what I am talking about. I remind him and I tell him how unloved I have always felt b/c of it. You know what he said “I just wanted the arguing to stop, I thought if I agreed with you, you would calm down and see how silly it was.” 8 years I have resented that remark and it was nothing. That’s when I first learned: no one can make you feel, do, say or act. You are responsible for your own thoughts, actions, words, moods and feelings. A sort of break through. I still didn’t see it for what it was but I was determined I would perfect it!!! I had been in therapy since I was 13, I am the PERFECT PATIENT!!
More tomorrow, bear with me almost to the end, I promise :0)