A Confident Heart ~ Week 2…..thoughts

To write out everything that touched me in Chapter 2 would mean writing the whole chapter so I think I what I am going to do is write about last year’s retreat and what God has done for me in the short span of a year.  I will apologize right away, it’s rather long and will be broke into 2 posts. I can’t do short and sweet, besides this weekend was so amazing to me, I don’t want to leave out any important detail. And by the way, the picture at the top of my blog is from my favorite spot on the Retreat House grounds…it’s absolutely gorgeous there!

Last October as I said before I was very sad, miserable and lonely.  I felt my life was something just to be endured.  I went on my Annual Silent Retreat and this time instead of sleeping most of the time I had a real conversations with Jesus.  I knew it was time to quit hiding so in the middle of the labyrinth I had a talk with Jesus.  I poured my heart out to Him, never imagining the year that would be waiting for me.  As I poured my heart out, I asked for some godly women to come into my life to help me on my walk, to show me what it meant to live a Christian life in all areas, to support me and provide me with girlfriends.  I asked for direction in my job – I was miserable and wondered if it was time to move on after 16 years.  I pleaded with God to take away the emptiness that was consuming me – I wanted to feel again, even if it was painful.  I wanted a deeper, closer relationship with Jesus and I wanted to become the woman He created me to be.  I sat there pouring out my heart and I felt nothing.  I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel a peace inside – I just felt empty.  I cried out “You spoke to me once, I will never forget that day, could you please do so again, something, anything.”  Nothing!  I talked with one of the Sisters at the Retreat House.  I asked her “How do you really know its God talking or leading you to something instead of just your own wishes and you talk yourself into believing it’s God”  I can’t remember exactly what she said but I remember thinking “hmm, that helps”

One week later and work is really getting to me.  I pray “please Lord guide me, is it time to move on?”  During this time I had a FB friend that posted a note about a recent heart ache she had been going through and I sent her a message of encouragement and told her how much I missed hearing her on the radio.  For 2 years she was the best part of my drive to work.  She lived with so much joy and she laughed, it was contagious and I hadn’t laughed about anything in a long time.  So anyhow, I sent her a word of encouragement through a private message telling her I would pray for her and that I missed her on the radio and hoped her new endeavor would bring her lots of joy.  She posted a follow-up note about her heartache and how she was trusting in God and gave the control up to Him and even though it hurt she would do as He asked.  I remember thinking “wow, how remarkable it was to live like that and how did I learn to do that”

Two weeks have gone by since my retreat.  I am having my quiet time and I finally felt God’s presence so strong, that I actually look around the room because I know I am not alone.  I break down (as much as I can – b/c I still can’t let the tears go) and I say “I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t keep controlling everything in my life – I am screwing it all up.  I give everything to You.  Every part of my life, every area.  My marriage, my son, my daughter, my finances, my credit card debt (and seriously Lord could You take that!)”  I got down on my knees at 5:30 am and prayed and praised like I have never done before.  I gave Him my whole life.  That day was October 24, 2010.

Stayed tuned for part 2….

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