How has the script of your life changed?
As soon as I read that question I laughed, seriously! Why laugh because it would be easier to answer what part of your script is still intact?
The script of my life changed at 5 years old when I was first abused. However I endured childhood and my teen years by imaging how wonderful my life would be once I got married and had children ~ THEN my real life would begin, my life was going to be everything I dreamed it would be, what my childhood should have been, it was going to be Brady Bunch perfect!
Needless to say that didn’t happen ~ not even close! My life is nothing like I imagined it would be and most days I can look around and say “it doesn’t matter” but at times and seasons it hurts and I want to yell at God and say “haven’t I endured enough? Really? Don’t I deserve some peace and carefree days? I endured a childhood filled with abuse, violence, chaos and nightmare filled sleep and now I have endured 22 years of stress, chaos, tantrums and violent rages from my son. When will it end?”
And right now I am in that season, I have been in this season for almost 18 months and it’s hard to see the goodness of God, it’s hard to remember He is working, it’s hard to know that He has a purpose, it’s hard to see another one of my dreams die. I thought by this point I would no longer be a full-time 24/7 parent. I thought at this point my husband and I would get to be a married couple without children for the first time in 20 years of marriage. Instead we are full-time parents to a very angry, very emotional, high maintenance autistic son who also has a life threatening illness.
Our nights are not filled with rediscovering each and doing the things we dreamed. Our nights are filled with tension, our son screaming and yelling at us, throwing things, combative arguing and out right disrespect. Our nights are about how to just get through one more night. To be honest there are nights when I want to walk out the door and never look back.
The script changed. When our son was little I could endure it because there seemed to be meaning and purpose – to raise him to adulthood and give him a better life. But now my spirit is broke. I can find no meaning or purpose in living this way for 22 years with no end in sight. All the life has been sucked out of me and my role as his mother seems meaningless and pointless.
At times and seasons I want to question God “how is this being good? How is this your best for me?” And then I am reminded of the Israelite who wandered for 40 years because they couldn’t trust God completely when life didn’t go their way. I need to change my category of thinking. I need to allow my pain and suffering to press me deeper into God. I need to be like Abraham and Sarah who believed God was working in their life….all the time, even when they couldn’t see it. They had hearts of hope even through their circumstances.
I also need to change my praying and remember the purpose of prayer is not to get our prayers answered but to grow into a deeper relationship with God. Instead of praying for my dreams to be restored I need to pray for eyes of faith so that I can fully trust God and welcome all the script changes in my life. I don’t want to be like the Pharisees who closed the mind to Jesus because it wasn’t going how they planned. I want to open my mind and heart to a new way of thinking. I want to turn to Jesus and turn away from my circumstances.
I read this and knew that this was a balm for my aching heart:
Like a skillful potter, God can remold my identity into the grace-filled shape He has intended for all eternity. Best of all, He will give me new life that isn’t based on getting my prayers answered or having life go the way I think it should but on my relationship with Him.