Today’s assignment through Melissa Taylor’s Online Bible Study is to read chapter 4 ~ The Pressure’s On.
Pressure & Fear – of measuring up, of being what everyone needs me to be, of what people think of me, of being worthy. In order to quiet those fears I would take on more and more to prove I could measure up, that I could be whatever anyone needed and the more busy I was the less time to wonder what people thought of me. I would do more to be the best ever and then my family would love me completely and know how much I loved them. Can you relate?
I remember a little over a year ago I was irritable, cranky and if honest with myself I was depressed. One night my poor husband came home from work, as we sat down to eat supper (that he picked up on his way home from working a 10 hour day) he casually asked me “can you cut my hair tonight?” All I will say is I didn’t act like a dignified loving wife or Christian. My husband stared at me like I had two heads – which I have to say irked me even more.
I knew I was being irritation and yet I couldn’t stop myself. I vented all my frustrations, my irritations and all I did that was always under-appreciated and mostly unnoticed. Here I was doing more so that in my mind I would be worthy of love yet all it did was turn me into a monster. After I calmed down my husband asked me “where did that come from?”
I opened my heart and told him all that I had kept inside for too long. I explained that I was stressed, tired, burnt out on all my responsibilities. I was tired of the chaotic life, the unorganized areas of my life, the things I did for everyone that went unnoticed until I didn’t do them. I was beyond empty. he tried to be helpful and told me to stop doing so much, that no one expected it of me. I couldn’t get him to understand what I was really trying to say. I explained it to him like this:
I am standing in the middle of a room and everything or everyone who needs something from me walks in and pulls off what they need, they then leave the room. In the end I am laying in the middle of the room discarded, neglected and alone. I have been pulled apart in a thousand different ways everyone needing me but my needs going unnoticed.
He looked at me, the words he spoke I have no clue but this is what I heard from deep inside:
No one but you expects perfection, no one can make you feel discarded and alone, no one can make you feel as loved as your Shepherd.
That day was the day I decided to quit going through the motions. Instead I wanted Jesus as my everything. the next week I signed up for the Melissa Taylor’s Online Bible Study for Hidden Joy. I have been through A Confident Heart, Made to Crave and now an Untroubled Heart.
There are no words to adequately describe this past year and how far I have come emotionally, physically and spiritually. It hasn’t been an easy road, in fact it’s been one of the hardest years of my life in so many ways but through it all I have come to rely on and know
The LORD is my Shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for the sake of His name. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.