Chapter 6 ~ An Untroubled Heart

LEARNING TO TRUST AGAIN

Big week in our study this week, read Melissa’s NO EXCUSES post from her heart.  You can get to her website here.

For most of my life I have been intimately acquainted with that word.  Fear followed me through each and every day, fear kept me from living the life I was created to live, fear kept me up all through the night even as a small child and well into adulthood.

Fear was constantly at my side.  I can remember as a little girl at the age of 7 feeling like I didn’t belong.  I didn’t even feel like I belonged in my family – so much so I thought I had been adopted.  I didn’t feel like I fit in at school and I was always on the outside of my circle of friends.  I wanted to be loved, to be valued, and to be important to someone.  I wanted it so much and I was so fearful it would never happen.  I tried harder to fit in; I tried harder to be a perfect child for my parents – if I was more than they wouldn’t need alcohol or to be a member of a biker club.  If I was better I could tell my parents what bad things happen to me at night.  If I was better I would never feel lonely or unwanted.

In elementary school I wanted to fit in.  I wanted to belong so I tried out for the cheerleading team, basketball, gymnastics and volleyball – you can imagine how I felt when even as a small girl in grade school I wasn’t good enough for any of those things.

My dad coached little league and I thought that would be perfect – I wanted his approval desperately and I thought this would be a way to be the “son” he never had.  So my best friend and I joined the Yankee’s Little League Baseball Team – the only two girls (they didn’t have separate teams for girls back then).  Remember though my fear – I was petrified of being hit by the ball, so being at bat was not fun and I never did hit the ball.  My best friend well she did better, she became the star pitcher for our team.  My dad and I never got any closer and again I felt on the outside looking in.

In junior high I finally decided I would be the best student, then my parents would be happy, wouldn’t fight and they would be proud of me.  I also finally found something I could do – The Drill Team!  I became a straight A honor roll student and was a member of the drill team for 2 years but that didn’t do anything to alleviate my fear to leave me, to fit in and for my parents to love me more.

By this time my parents divorced and while I was happy about that I still had a ton of fear.  I also felt a sense of grief once – once my parents divorced I hardly ever saw my dad, it left me feeling afraid, unloved, unworthy and unimportant.

The years moved on and by the time I was 20 years old, I was married, had 2 children and still living with fear daily.  I could never express exactly what was missing that made me fearful but it took over my whole life.  I didn’t even recognize the person I had become.

At the age of 31 years old I lost my mom very suddenly and unexpectedly.  I immediately felt like an orphan, even though at this time my dad and I had established a fresh start.  However, less than 5 months later on what was my mom’s birthday – the first of many where she wasn’t here on this earth – the hoped for relationship with my dad came to a screeching halt.  Some things are better left unsaid and this is one of those times.  Essentially my dad chose between me and his newly wed wife of 15 minutes.

For weeks any progressed I had made in getting rid of my fear and living through the stages of grief where lost.  I couldn’t explain what I was feeling but I grabbed my Bible and started searching for answers, I didn’t know what they question was but I needed an answer.  I came upon this Scripture:

And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away.  It is better for you to enter into life with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into fiery Gehenna.  ~Matthew 18:9

In my life application study Bible the notes said this:  We must remove stumbling blocks that cause us to sin.  For the individual, any relationship, practice or activity that leads to sin should be stopped.

When I read that I thought “AHA – there it is right in the Bible.  Any relationship – must be stopped.”  I asked my husband “so you think that means I can walk away and have nothing to do with my family ever again?”  He looked at me with sadness and concern and asked “why does it matter?” I replied “because I want to know that I can stop trying to fit in where I don’t belong.  I want to know I can stop trying so hard and get nothing in return.”  My husband asked again “but why does this matter so much now, you have been hurt, disappointed and sad before.  Why does it matter so much this time?”

Can I say as I am writing about this day my heart is beating and I can remember everything about this conversation:  the time 6:11 pm, what I was wearing – my favorite summer pjs and I was laying on my bed diagonally, the sun was streaming through the room and Larry was sitting at the end of the bed cross legged.  The room smelled like fresh mowed grass – Larry had been outside mowing.  And tears were running down my face, my heart felt like there was an empty hole in it.

And I finally knew the answer – the answer I was searching for my whole life.  And without thinking about the words I blurted it out:

I want just once, just once in my life to know that I matter, that I am the most important thing to someone.  Just once I want someone to love me enough to fight for me, to stand up for me

As the tears ran down my face, I heard clearly, distinctly and lovingly “I do Veronica and I did”  I knew instantly that was the voice of Jesus and for the first time ever I left fear behind and knew I was worthy, special, important and mostly loved.

My journey to having the LORD as the love of my life started on January 26, 2003 the day my mom left this life.  I have had a lot of starts and stops along with the way but one piece of advice from a dear friend helps me to get back up again.  I share it with you today:

Step out of the boat, keep your eyes on Him, and don’t look down.  Place your hand in His and step out of the boat.  He will never let you go – He will never let you drown.  Hold onto His hand and keep your eyes on Him.

 Remove all distraction, sit with your eyes closed, slow your breathing down, now envision that, soak that in, and get that mental picture.  Take a deep breath, open your eyes, step out of the boat my dear friend.  He is there waiting for you.

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14 thoughts on “Chapter 6 ~ An Untroubled Heart

  1. There is nothing worse than feeling alone and afraid, and there’s nothing better than realizing we have never really been alone. He is with us and so there is no need to fear anything. Thanks so much for sharing this!! HUGS

    • I know you do but you no matter what relationship you are in you will never feel loves until you love yourself, that comes from knowing you are loved by Jesus and knowing you are worth it!!!!

  2. Veronica,

    Thanks once again for the transparency. God is using your transparency to help others. It is personally helping me to be more honest and transparent in my blogging with how God is moving in my life.

    • Thank you Dawn – for me it’s so much easier to write about it then keep it inside and yet it’s too hard to voice talking face to face with people. This is my outlet. I thought about submitting this at She Speaks but not sure if it’s appropriate.

  3. I have these fears as well. My whole life I try to fit in, I try to go back to the people who never accepted me and still I try to fit in their world! I dont know why I care so much or why I would even want to “belong” to people who obviously dont care anything about me. I have fear everyday that I will not be accepted by others or by the Lord. I have fear that I will lose someone dear to me or that I will leave this world before I am ready. I would like to let go of all of these fears, but I have fear of letting go as well. I want so much to let go and forget about all the fears I have, but how?! I am desperate to find peace, peace within myself and peace with what I cant control. Thanks for the post Veronica! This truly helps me. . . just hope that I can find peace the way that you have!

    • I pray you find that peace through Christ – through His Word and spending time with Him. Through His promises that you ARE His BELOVED, that you ARE His greatest treasure, that He DIED FOR YOU!!!!

  4. Veronica, Belonging to Chirist is all that really mattters and in Zephaniah 3:17 he tells us that we matter to him.”The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with is love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” Have peace knowing that our God delights in you and rejoices over you my blessed sister
    Keep writing.
    Cari

    • Thanks Amy – I know I have a long way to go to making my writing better but originally it was just supposed to be for me, until I felt the nudge to share it.

  5. Beautiful Veronica! I identified with a lot of the same things. Fear has kept me from doing a lot of things in life. It has kept me in a state of panic and awake at all hours of the night… for a lot of my life. My journey with truly trusting God came August 30, 2010. The day I was diagnosed with cancer. I had no choice… and He has not failed me!
    Thank you for being so open and for sharing your heart….

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