#SayWhat

Today is Blog Hop day over at Proverbs 31 Online Bible Studies! I am writing about a time specific time God spoke to me and I had a “say what” moment.

My life has been full of searching for someone or something to fill a void I have had most of my life. I have searched for acceptance, valued and loved. As a child and a teenager, I didn’t feel accepted, valued or loved by my family. Now that I am older I know they did loved me – very much so – they just couldn’t love me in the way I needed.

I married and had children very young so that I would feel loved. What a surprise to me that marrying and having children didn’t fill that void. I blamed my children, my husband, and the things that happened to me as a child. I was mad at everyone around me, especially God, for the life I felt I deserved and didn’t have. I wanted a life full of happiness, peace and love.  I didn’t want the life I had that was filled with conflict, anxiety and stress.

As I entered my thirties I realized I needed to bury my past and get over myself. I began to rebuild my relationship with my dad, I quit being so angry and I started accepting my life. I began to go to church regularly and read my Bible. For the first time ever in my life I was feeling a sense of peace.

And then my world was shattered at 32 years old when I lost my mom very suddenly and unexpectedly. I felt like an orphan, even my dad and I had reestablished our relationship. Less than 5 months later, on my mom’s birthday the relationship with my dad ended. I was drowning in the feelings of worthlessness, feeling unloved and angry. It was too painful to open up and getting hurt repeatedly. I came upon this Scripture:

”And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away…” ~Matthew 18:9

My life application study Bible notes said explained: We must remove stumbling blocks that cause us to sin. For the individual, any relationship, practice or activity that leads to sin should be stopped. “AHA – there it is right in the Bible. Any relationship – must be stopped.”

I asked my husband “does this means I can walk away, having nothing to do with my family ever again?” He looked at me with sadness and concern asking “why does it matter?” I replied “I don’t like the person I become when I am around my family.  I get resentful and bitter.  I don’t want to hope and then be disappointed.” He asked again “why does this matter so much now, you have been hurt and disappointed before. Why does it matter so much this time?” Tears were running down my face, there was an empty hole in my heart.

Finally I had the answer I was searching for my whole life. And without thinking I blurted it out:

”I want just once, just once in my life to know that I matter, that I am the most important person to someone. Just once I want someone to love me enough to fight for me, to stand up for me.”

As the tears ran down my face, I heard clearly, distinctly and lovingly…..

“I do Veronica and I did”

I knew instantly I heard the voice of Jesus! I understood what He whispered to me:  I did matter to Him, I was important enough, and He did fight for me.  All that love was shown on the Cross. That day changed my life – that was my #saywhat moment and the day I decided to say yes to follow Him.

OBSBlogHop

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11 thoughts on “#SayWhat

  1. I’m so glad you’re blogging again V! I love reading your posts! I’ve read that verse but never have given it much thought. Thanks so much for sharing this today.

  2. So V, you should warn people ahead of time to have tissue ready!!!!
    It just breaks my heart each time I hear your story. I am so happy that you have found the One who loves you always and fights even unto death for your life.

    Blessings my sweet friend,
    Catherine

  3. Oh my sweet Sister. This brought tears to my eyes as I can so relate to so much of what you shared. I know that deep desire of wanting to matter so much … isn’t it a glorious revelation that Jesus really loves us that much. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  4. Powerful! This brings tears to my eyes. Isn’t it wonderful to know Jesus loves us and He makes His presense known to us. When my dad died, I was forty-four years old and I felt as if I had a hole in my heart and I was crying out loud to God and I physically felt Him wrap his arms around me and cradle me as if I was a small child that needed to be held and comforted. It was an awesome experience and something I will never forget. I had never felt so close to God as when I was hurting so deeply with a broken heart. God is so good. Thank you for sharing your story.

  5. Veronica, your story is so powerful, and I know it will resonate in many women’s hearts!! Thank you for being so gut honest and, yet, pointing us to the Truth and Hope found in God’s Word. I love you and am so proud of you!!! You are definitely a woman who continually says Yes! to God. And I am so thankful for you and your friendship!

    Blessings,

    Wendy

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