#SayWhat

Today is Blog Hop day over at Proverbs 31 Online Bible Studies! I am writing about a time specific time God spoke to me and I had a “say what” moment.

My life has been full of searching for someone or something to fill a void I have had most of my life. I have searched for acceptance, valued and loved. As a child and a teenager, I didn’t feel accepted, valued or loved by my family. Now that I am older I know they did loved me – very much so – they just couldn’t love me in the way I needed.

I married and had children very young so that I would feel loved. What a surprise to me that marrying and having children didn’t fill that void. I blamed my children, my husband, and the things that happened to me as a child. I was mad at everyone around me, especially God, for the life I felt I deserved and didn’t have. I wanted a life full of happiness, peace and love.  I didn’t want the life I had that was filled with conflict, anxiety and stress.

As I entered my thirties I realized I needed to bury my past and get over myself. I began to rebuild my relationship with my dad, I quit being so angry and I started accepting my life. I began to go to church regularly and read my Bible. For the first time ever in my life I was feeling a sense of peace.

And then my world was shattered at 32 years old when I lost my mom very suddenly and unexpectedly. I felt like an orphan, even my dad and I had reestablished our relationship. Less than 5 months later, on my mom’s birthday the relationship with my dad ended. I was drowning in the feelings of worthlessness, feeling unloved and angry. It was too painful to open up and getting hurt repeatedly. I came upon this Scripture:

”And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away…” ~Matthew 18:9

My life application study Bible notes said explained: We must remove stumbling blocks that cause us to sin. For the individual, any relationship, practice or activity that leads to sin should be stopped. “AHA – there it is right in the Bible. Any relationship – must be stopped.”

I asked my husband “does this means I can walk away, having nothing to do with my family ever again?” He looked at me with sadness and concern asking “why does it matter?” I replied “I don’t like the person I become when I am around my family.  I get resentful and bitter.  I don’t want to hope and then be disappointed.” He asked again “why does this matter so much now, you have been hurt and disappointed before. Why does it matter so much this time?” Tears were running down my face, there was an empty hole in my heart.

Finally I had the answer I was searching for my whole life. And without thinking I blurted it out:

”I want just once, just once in my life to know that I matter, that I am the most important person to someone. Just once I want someone to love me enough to fight for me, to stand up for me.”

As the tears ran down my face, I heard clearly, distinctly and lovingly…..

“I do Veronica and I did”

I knew instantly I heard the voice of Jesus! I understood what He whispered to me:  I did matter to Him, I was important enough, and He did fight for me.  All that love was shown on the Cross. That day changed my life – that was my #saywhat moment and the day I decided to say yes to follow Him.

Yes To God

Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study ~ “What Happens When Women Say to God” by Lysa TerKeurst

This weeks blog topic I choose was number 4. #yestoGod. Share a time you caught a “glimpse of eternity” as you said yes to what God was asking you to do.

I can totally relate to Lysa’s hesitation when God asked her to give her Bible away. I remember the day God asked me to give away something just as precious to me. As I was praying the Rosary for a dear friend who needed some serious prayers for her child, I had the sense God asking me to not just pray for her but to GIVE her my Rosary.

I argued with God saying “she’s not Catholic!” But the more I prayed for her the more I KNEW I was supposed to give it to her. So I finished praying, loving packaged the Rosary up to mail, all the while thinking “I have had this Rosary forever, it has been with me through every one of my son’s hospital stays; every prayer for my marriage, my children; it was a comfort to me as I grieved the death of my mom; every tear I cried over my son and the setbacks; it was a comfort to me during the times I prayed over the uncertain future of my son.”

I teared up as I handed it over the post office counter. Afterwards, I stopped into the Catholic store and bought me a new Rosary. Walking back to my office with my new Rosary in hand I thought “really God?” and then I heard a whisper “new Rosary – new chapter!” I paused to think about that and it was true, I was entering a new chapter. My son had not been hospitalized in over a year and even though he wasn’t able to live on his own, he had just moved into an independent living home and was doing remarkably well – all my prayers were being answered. As I thanked God for that, I heard another whisper “Your old Rosary was passed on to another mama who knows the heartaches and tears of an unknown future of her child.” I bowed my head in awe and thanked Him once again.

Who was I to argue with God and His plans? Whatever God says do, do it!

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight” ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

 

Freak Out Woman ~

Week 1 of Melissa Taylor’s Online Bible Study ~ Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst

“Look mom, we cleaned our room!” shouted my four year old son.  One look and I came unglued!  “HOW HARD IS IT TO PUT YOUR CARS IN THE CAR BUCKET? YOUR ARMY MEN IN THE ARMY BUCKET? YOUR SISTER’S DOLLS IN THE DOLL BUCKET? OH NO, INSTEAD THEY ARE ALL THROWN IN ONE BIG PILE!!!!”  Turning around I started in on my husband, “Thanks a lot!  I thought you were going to help me!  I should have done it myself in the first place!”

Mom of the year or decade I was NOT, the saddest part, I can’t even remember the looks on my children’s faces. I do remember my husband saying to me, “If you want perfection from a four and one year old, you will always be disappointed.  That makes me sad for you.”  OUCH!!!

Perfection was always expected of me.  I knew no other way.  I was raised with the expectation of perfection, “if you are going to do something, do it perfectly, there is NO other way!”  The motto in my family home.  I wanted to change that for my own home, I just didn’t know how.

Fast forward ten years later…

“Mom what can I do to help you?”  asked my daughter.  “Megan if you can’t see what needs to be done and then do it, don’t bother!  I swear I have to do everything around here.  You all enjoy family coming over while I have to make sure everything is done!”  I yell.  The next words my daughter says to me breaks my heart and makes me have a huge amount of respect for her (I wish I could have said something like that to my parents.)

“If Jesus’ birth means a perfectly cleaned house and yelling every year….I wish He hadn’t been born, it doesn’t make Christmas Eve fun.”  says my 11 year old daughter.  OUCH OUCH OUCH.

Right then I stopped what I was doing and I gained a new perspective. Never did I want my daughter or anyone else to remember Christmas or any other get together that way.  I decided to let my perfectionist tendencies go.

Has it been easy?  Uh, NO!  I have went from all or nothing attitude.  I have had a hard time finding a middle ground, however, holidays and family get celebrations are a lot more fun around here.  I haven’t yelled in years.  I don’t care which bucket things go in as long as they are picked up and my daughter loves celebrating Jesus’ birth all year long.
I would say that’s progress!

Melissa Taylor’s Online Bible Study is having their very first BLOG HOP ~ check it out!!!

Made to Crave ~ Chapter 2

Made to Crave Chapter 2!!!  It’s not to late to sign up for Made to Crave through Melissa Taylor’s Online Bible Study, just click the link Melissa Taylor.

Another day begins.  I wake up and as usual I vow to do better and not to procrastinate.  Before I know it my “to-do” list weighs me down and I start giving in to the temptation to put it all off until another day.  All this before I even put one foot on the ground.  I realize I put off grocery shopping again.  That means no good for you food, that means no healthy breakfast or lunch.  That means I will grab what sugar filled item is close at hand and most likely skip lunch all together.So the cycle begins once again.  I glance at the clock, it’s only 4:15 am.  Already the excuses, the rationalizations, the promises for later have begun.

Lysa talks about how she craved and arranged her life around food.  For me I think about, crave and arrange my day around time away from all responsibilities, time where I can do what I want to do, where no needs me or demands anything from me.  I have been fighting this specific battle for 9 years.  I know how it started but haven’t been able to break the cycle.

How did I get here?  Nine years ago on 1/26/2003 (Superbowl Sunday – her favorite day of the whole year) my mom died very suddenly, she was 48 years old.  I instantly felt like an orphan even though I was 31, married and had 2 children in middle school.  I grieved so much that just waking up to another day without her was extremely difficult.  But instead of fighting through the grief and trying to heal I shut down – I used my grief as an excuse to withdraw.  And before I knew it one month turned into six months, 6 months turned into one year, one year turned into five years and five years turned into nine years.

When I read page 28, I KNEW God was telling me something.  “…it was about this battle that raged in my heart.  I knew it was something God was challenging me to surrender to His control.  Really surrender.  Surrender to the point where I’d make radical changes for the sake of my spiritual health perhaps even more than my physical health.”  I do not think it is coincidental that all this is coming to me in January, I think God has had this planned for me for some time…..I just finally got sick of living my life avoiding life.

When I am stressed, overwhelmed, sad, tired, happy, etc.  I turn to FB, texting and my escaping routine from the world.  It’s only much later that I think about turning to God.  My “alone time” is craved more than the effort required to fight the temptation.  I have lived so long believing the temptations and cravings had more power over me than God.  I chose the easy route instead of fighting through.  Instead of believing the TRUTH that:

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me!

So it’s time to be honest with myself, no more excuses, no more doing this on my own.  So here finally I will take a deep look into my behaviors and my patterns.  Why do my daily responsibilities drain me so much?  Because I am a perfectionist!  Yes, I said earlier I procrastinated a lot but that is because of my perfectionism.  See if I can’t get a task done perfectly I put it off, until all my tasks pile up around me.

If I can’t clean the whole house and get it all done to my standards in a day, then I put it off.  If I can’t get the whole house organized perfectly in one day, I put it off.  If I don’t know what to cook for dinner, I put it off.  See the pattern?  It’s not wonder I am exhausted before I get out of bed.

So what is my craving I need to replace?  It’s not my tiredness or avoidance.  It’s replacing my perfectionism with God.  See the tiredness, avoidance tendencies and such aren’t separate issues, they are the same satan just found another weakness in my “castle.”  When my mom died I went from perfectionism to the opposite end.  I went from all to nothing.

So I give this area, every bit of it to the LORD.  I will use the temptation of perfectionism as a prompt for prayer, when I feel tired or overwhelmed I will ask the LORD to show me where I am being open to an attack. When I first wake up in the morning I will thank God for the day.  Then I will ask Him where He wants my focus to be.  When I begin to get the feeling of perfectionism I will pray that I do my best for God and remember my best isn’t measured by perfection ~ it’s measured by my heart’s willingness to seek Him and do His will!